it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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