I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize