ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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