I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
