Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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