Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
