she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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