I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
