dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
