Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
