I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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