Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
