I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
