If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
