God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
