we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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