woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
