it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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