May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
