So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize