Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
