Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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