I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and she was petting her beer can
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
