Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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