I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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