smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i need some magic done to my vagina
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize