You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
