I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize