Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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