OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
