did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
