If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
