i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
