I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
