I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
