I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
