He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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