She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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