Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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