Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
