dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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