Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
