So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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