things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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