I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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