Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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