I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
