So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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