went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
