im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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