apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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