I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Pants are for mortals
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
