bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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