If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
