He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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