Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
