Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
