Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize