My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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