That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize