I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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