she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
