Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
