Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
